To Dave -- Thank You

I felt like I needed to take this opportunity to say a few things that I wasn’t able to the other day when I wrote the post about Cora. The first thing I desperately need to say, and wanted to say in my last post but was unable to due to my brain turning to mush, is that I am so thankful, grateful and indebted to my husband for all of his love, support and understanding he has shown to me, not only over the past few months, but over the past ten years.

Dave has been an amazing partner to me during this time. He is an amazing father, husband and partner. Without his love, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I remember his delight when I surprised him with the positive pregnancy test. He was so happy that he teared up a little. His excitement was infectious and intoxicating. He wanted to tell everyone right then and there that we were expecting a little bundle of joy.

Seeing Dave’s face, whenever we were able to get an ultrasound was priceless. He was so overjoyed, so full of love, so full of admiration for the little life we were guardians of.

Dave was amazing during the pregnancy. He would rub my feet, get me snacks, get a midnight milkshake; he went to every doctor’s appointment, rushed me to the emergency room twice, cried when he saw Cora’s heartbeat on the monitor when we were in a moment of panic, and held my hand every single step of the way.

I am so thankful to have a partner like Dave. We share a link that I doubt can ever be destroyed. Thanks to that link, the day our lives changed, we didn’t need to discuss our options, we just had to look at one another and we both knew what our decision would be. We both knew, in our hearts, that was the correct course of action; all with just one look.

He was there, every single moment. He never left my side. He held my hand during those excruciating procedures, took care of me when no one else could. He made sure I was taking all of the different medications I was put on and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. Without even having to ask, he packed up everything baby related and put it out of sight. That mental link, that link that I hope most couples have, saved us a lot of heartache during those terrible days.

I can go on and on about all of the wonderful things Dave has done for me and how he took care of me that fateful week and days and weeks that followed. He did so much and put so much love behind all of his actions that it helped soften the blow of losing our daughter, even if it was only the slightest bit. After surgery, he took care of all of our visitors since I was practically incapable of getting out of bed. He fielded phone calls and dealt with all of the hospital/cremation arrangements. He never left my side and I cannot adequately express my gratitude for his love and support.

It is important to say that while he was taking care of me, he was also nursing his own broken heart. It hurts so much to see your partner in pain and all I wanted to do was to take that pain away. He lost his daughter too and with her, those hopes and dreams we had talked about, well, they hurt him as much or even more than they hurt me.

***

Words aren’t enough when trying to describe the relationship we have. I can only hope that others have a partnership/marriage/love that is like ours. We have been through so much over the past ten years, sometimes I think that we have been through more than other couples go through in thirty years, but we have not allowed it to change us; we have only allowed it to make us stronger. Even though tragedy has visited us more than I would care to acknowledge over the past year, I have seen those inexplicably sad moments help us realize, now more than ever, who we are and understand the bond we share.

I meant what I said in my vows to him last September, when we renewed our commitment to one another:

“I vow to love, honor, and cherish you. I vow to remain committed to you and our marriage. I vow that no matter what is going on in the world, I will have faith and trust in you and our love. I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and I vow to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.”

So, publicly, I wanted to say that I love you Dave. Thank you for all of your patience and understanding. I cannot imagine going through the trials and tribulations of life without you. I want the world to know that you are an amazing man and that without you; I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have made it this far after losing our daughter without your love and support.

Here’s to the future. It is unknown and scary, but with you by my side, I know that we can weather any storm that happens to pounce upon us. We have been through so much already and no matter what may lie ahead of us; I am excited to go through life, hand in hand.